Seven

2016 Excerpts. My favorite one to date.

at times like this, i feel empty.

i feel nothing but tiredness, numbness, and emptiness. it’s the dreaded goodbyes that do you no good. the ones that you know is coming, and you dread it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. it’s the dreaded goodbyes with misleading sentences that breaks you down to pieces. your heart is flown higher and higher as he says the little things. about how good you look today. about how he misses you. hell, about how he loves you. the misleading texts and calls that makes you break down your walls. but deep down, you know that the goodbye is coming. and you dreaded it, knowing how broken you will be when it finally comes.

it’s the feeling of being in a roller coaster when you’re afraid of height. the feeling of adrenaline rushing through your face as the wind brings your hair back. your spine is straight, sticking to the back of your seat. your hands, slightly wet of sweat as you grip the safety belt that is supposed to keep you safe. you squint your eyes as the sunlight faces you, the beautiful mix of pink and orange abstract in the sky, creating a beautiful gradient. and just before the big drop, you brace yourself, taking in the breathtaking view. and for a second, you forget that you’re this close to falling. and that’s the best feeling in the world. when you’re taking in everything in such a small amount of time. but then, the fall comes. and you lose control. you remember how much falling scares you, how hard your grip is. you remember the feeling of your stomach being left in the sky as the roller coaster moves your body side to side.

you remember why you didn’t want to do it at first. but then, soon enough, you’ll realize that the ride is over. and when you take off of that roller coaster, you found a part of you wanting to ride it again. to feel that one second where you’re taking everything in again. to remember how much its worth.

and that’s how i feel right now. remembering how much goodbyes hurt. how much of my heartstring is tearing. how much my eyes shed tears. how much time i spent lying in bed with tear stained pillows and romance movies playing in the background. how the smoke lace the air and my eyes watching the fire dance. how much i spent facing the wall with a blank face, not knowing what to feel because i feel empty. and i know i would ride that roller coaster again, knowing that i know how much discomfort i feel. but i cant shake the feeling that there’s a slight possible chance that the ride was going to be so much better than the first one.

what can i do now. all i can do is to sit down on the bench, holding my melted ice cream as i see someone else riding that roller coaster, her not knowing what it would feel like afterwards as the sun drown under the pool of salt water that my eyes has created.