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2018 Excerpts Its been a year. You’re still in my head. Everything still reminds me of you. But do you know how I know that you’re not the one I love anymore? I sat in front of my laptop, Hours on end, Staring at a blank document. Trying to pour what I felt towards you. Yet nothing came. All I see is a little line, blinking rapidly, Begging for me to create feelings that aren’t there.

2016 Excerpts. My favorite one to date. at times like this, i feel empty. i feel nothing but tiredness, numbness, and emptiness. it’s the dreaded goodbyes that do you no good. the ones that you know is coming, and you dread it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. it’s the dreaded goodbyes with misleading sentences that breaks you down to pieces. your heart is flown higher and higher as he says the little things. about how good you look today. about how he misses you. hell, about how he loves you. the misleading texts and calls that makes you break down your walls. but deep down, you know that the goodbye is coming. and you dreaded it, knowing how broken you will be when it finally comes. it’s the feeling of being in a roller coaster when you’re afraid of height. the feeling of adrenaline rushing through your face as the wind brings your hair back. your spine is straight, sticking to the back of your seat. your hands, slightly wet of sweat as you grip the safety belt that is supposed to keep you safe. you squint your eyes as the sunlight faces you, the beautiful mix of pink and orange abstract in the sky, creating a beautiful gradient. and just before the big drop, you brace yourself, taking in the breathtaking view. and for a second, you forget that you’re this close to falling. and that’s the best feeling in the world. when you’re taking in everything in such a small amount of time. but then, the fall comes. and you lose control. you remember how much falling scares you, how hard your grip is. you remember the feeling of your stomach being left in the sky as the roller coaster moves your body side to side. you remember why you didn’t want to do it at first. but then, soon enough, you’ll realize that the ride is over. and when you take off of that roller coaster, you found a part of you wanting to ride it again. to feel that one second where you’re taking everything in again. to remember how much its worth. and that’s how i feel right now. remembering how much goodbyes hurt. how much of my heartstring is tearing. how much my eyes shed tears. how much time i spent lying in bed with tear stained pillows and romance movies playing in the background. how the smoke lace the air and my eyes watching the fire dance. how much i spent facing the wall with a blank face, not knowing what to feel because i feel empty. and i know i would ride that roller coaster again, knowing that i know how much discomfort i feel. but i cant shake the feeling that there’s a slight possible chance that the ride was going to be so much better than the first one. what can i do now. all i can do is to sit down on the bench, holding my melted ice cream as i see someone else riding that roller coaster, her not knowing what it would feel like afterwards as the sun drown under the pool of salt water that my eyes has created.

2020 Excerpts i've heard that love arrives exactly when its supposed to and leaves exactly when it must. i dont know what that means exactly, as however painlessly love leaves, it still leave a hole in your heart that wont be mended by anything but time. but really, the whole global lockdown caused by this pandemic isnt helping those of us who are trying to take a breather, trying to get a clear head as even though time is on our side, it really isnt. there's too much. too much time to think, too much time wondering the what if's and the maybes, too much time for darkness to roam inside and planting things that we want to avoid. too much time thinking of what could've been. too much time wondering if the love that has been felt was returned, too much time thinking whether or not we were loved as much as we loved. too much time trying to think and fixate on what we want, but it changing every 5 seconds because, lets be real, we dont know what we want. too much time trying to heal and distracting, but never enough for the wound to heal. i dont know what that sentence means exactly. why would love leave when the pain stays? why would we fall in love to face heartbreak? why would someone have to endure the pain of holding onto something that was maybe, never there? i dont really know what that sentence means. but i hope someday i do. because to face the inevitability of falling into the void of uncertainty, never knowing where we would land sucks. falling in love to shatter your heart into a million pieces, sucks.

2017 Excerpts falling implies on collapsing and collapsing implies on breaking how ironic it is to say that we are falling in love as if the latter will not happen before the former as if all the love in the world will end in tears shed and heartbreak i find it funny that people believe in falling as if there are no grey spaces in between the unknown of what is going to come whether there will be someone to catch us or a never ending void of uncertainty i find it funny the concept of love in the eyes of people in love

2021 Excerpts i cant say im not disappointed, because i am. but in whatever weird way, i dont find myself hating you over anything, because i get it. i get the feeling of being so consumed with loving someone. knowing that you had a chance with them and you completely blew it. i know how it feels to try and move on and fail miserably because no matter who you kiss, touch, or distract yourself with, all your thoughts comes back to her. i know how it feels to try and make yourself believe that you're better off without, that you can be whole again. that you're doing the right thing because you cant put yourself in a position where you might be hurting them or get hurt again. and i completely know the feeling of finally realising that no matter what you do, you find yourself in your bed alone at 4 in the morning, playing whatever sad playlist you can find and reminisce about the time you had together. i get the feeling of wanting to fight and get her back, and dreaming of being in her arms again. i completely get the feeling. because for me, it's always going to be him too.

2021 Excerpts i know that maybe we aren't meant to be together. i've watched you grow into the beautiful person that you are, and falling for you every second of it. there are no songs as beautiful as your laugh. no sunset is as captivating as your smile. there's nothing in this whole goddamn universe that can hope to match this love i have for you. i've waited patiently. i was there at your highest highs, lowest lows. i've let time guide you to finally realize that what you've been searching for has been right in front of you this whole time. i've sacrificed my sanity to finally feel what we finally feel. but life doesnt always go the way we want it to, because if it had to go any other way, i'd choose to be next to you, feeling your touch as we watch the sun drown beneath the city skyline. sipping our warm tea as i watch you tuck your hair behind your ears. closing our eyes as we feel the gust of wind flowing, as if the universe were celebrating us finally being together. because no matter what, for me, it will always be you.

I have always been a person that loves deeply. I let my emotions guide me - whether it's to watch the sunset or to the edge of the cliff. It was the same kind of love to most people, be it a family member or my friends or boys, there's a certain standard of care that I tend to give to others, rooted from the deeply and sometimes forgotten childhood trauma of having no one caring about what or how I feel. From that point on, I think since the 2nd grade, I have learned to give a certain standard of care and emotions to other people - trying to understand and see what they're going through from their point of views, understanding the humanity that exists within the choices they did and sympathising with it. That level of love translates to the way I love boys. To give and give and give until I hit the point of drainage - losing myself alongside it. I learned to not have any expectations of the love I give returned, as there is no ways for me to control others' actions. Learning to give without expecting anything to return. Finding strength in the kindness and love I bear as though it wasn't a burden. At one point in time - I was crushed by the weight of the love I have for others. It was an emotion that was so big, so heavy. I think personally its the strongest emotions that exists in this world. I was scared by it, by the consequences of carrying it. I was scared by the unknown in whether there were love out there for me that was as big as the love that I carry. At one point in time - I hated love. I hated the fact that because I love so deeply, I hurt deeply as well. I hated the fact that there are some people out there that are undeserving of the love that I give, whether I wanted to give it or not. I was at a position where my love was brimming to the lid, unable to close it. I tried and tried to hold the dam so the love doesn't overflow because I wanted to achieve things for myself first - not wanting to give the love I have been collecting for years and years to be given to the wrong person. But life hits me right where I didn't want it to, slowly cracking the dam until an unmistakable wave of the love I had overflowing come pouring out, drowning all other sanity and logic I possess. I tried to swim above the waters but it was quite literally drowning me - losing all the common sense I have been so proud of all my life. I wasn't - and still am not - sure about whether the person I am giving all my love to was deserving of it. A showcase of my bad luck, and most likely my karma, they weren't. Imagine the amount of love that I poured so carelessly despite trying my hardest to not let it, go to waste, and I am just left in the middle of all this hurt and the remains of this love that I so carelessly gave away. I was hurt. So hurt. I still am hurt. I still am trying to understand how to control this very strong emotion I possess. So I hated it. I hated the fact that despite the strength it gave me, it made me weak as well. It made me want to crawl into my bed and close my eyes without ever opening it again. It made the world lose its colours. The stars doesn't shine as brightly. It made me want to die. So now I am wary of it. I'm wary of the facade of happiness it puts out without a slight showing of the massive hurt lurking behind it. I'm wary of the amount of love I give out - not trusting to be betrayed by my heart ever again. I'm wary of not ever feeling a love like mine, ever.

(Inspired by All Too Well 10 Minute Version (Taylors Version) From The Vaults Sad Girl Autumn Version Recorded at Long Pond Studios - Taylor Swift) I’m tired of feeling this way constantly - the thought of you invading my mind, lurking behind the shadows reminding me of the remnants of you. Excruciating pain wrenches my heart whenever my mind echoes off your lips. The reminder of no matter how happy I am - no matter how wide my smile spreads - nothing can ever match the emotions I feel next to you. Knowing that then wasn’t time and now isn’t time. Not knowing if the future will be kind enough to give a taste of you to me, once again. Honest to god - if I could let you go, I would have. A million moons ago, to forget how you tasted. To forget the smile lines right by your eyes, the eyes that smiled each second you spend with me. To forget the countless nights we spent laughing about nothing and everything at once. I hate the way I think of you whenever I see the moon shine, whenever I feel the rain drop. I hate that the beauty of nature reminds me of you. The way your beauty shines brightly, making me risk the thousand foot drop of the unknown. And I fell anyway - knowing the consequences. Climbing towards the never ending wall, slippery with rain and strong winds - pushing me to either climb towards freedom or fall into you all over again. And whenever I get near the parapet, I stop to myself and think whether I want to get free of you. And years later, I don’t know yet. I don’t know if I want to let you go - let your love go. How does 3 months turn into 3 years of torture? How did 3 months turn into excruciating pain of the never knowing, breaking down my facade in mere seconds? How did 3 months turn into my biggest weakness? I don’t know why or how or what would make the thought of you go away. I don’t even know if I want to let the thought of you away. So now I can only take one step forward at a time, knowing that you are still lurking in the shadows, waiting for the universe to stop the thought of you from following me or letting us finally meet. All I could do now is to accept the fact that you and I never have been, and probably never will be. To embrace the unknown and appreciate fate for letting us have a brief moment together. Because I would jump into it all over again, if it meant I would get to know you the way I do now.